My Parents’ Graves Call to Me

Rabbi’s Reflections on Elul: My Parents’ Graves Call to Me

By Rabbi Jon Hanish (9/7/24)

My father’s headstone is covered with green moss. Its rough red stone is diminished by its intrusion. He died in 1968, and his was the first gravestone I remember seeing, touching, laying a rock upon.

My sister has spent months attempting via texts and emails to get the groundskeeper to clean it. I’ve cheered her on, staying relatively uninvolved. The Jewish cemetery in Kentucky has one groundskeeper, the son of the previous groundskeeper who was probably the son of the groundskeeper before him. He and his family live on the property. You can knock on his door after visiting the deceased, and he or his wife typically answer. When I was a young boy, my mother would take me to visit my father, and she would always drag me to that doorway where she discussed the plants that blanketed my father’s grave and their upkeep. At the end of the conversation she would hand him a few extra dollars for his time and attention. My job during these moments was to fidget awkwardly.

As an adult, I’ve never knocked on that door. Whenever I’m in Louisville, I stop at a local Walgreen’s, and I purchase cleaning supplies. There’s something cathartic about filling a bucket with soapy water, plunging a scrub brush into it and then cleaning my parents’ headstones. When I was in rabbinic school, a classmate once joined me and I shared memories as we cleaned off the dirt of too many years without a visitor. Sadly, I was last in Louisville seven years ago. I now only know of the condition of my parents’ graves from messages and photos received from relatives.

During the month of Elul, we have responsibilities as we journey toward the High Holy Days. One of the traditions of Elul is to visit the gravesites of those who have touched our lives. We are taught to go, say a prayer, and place a stone.

But, what if we’re too far away or too weak to visit?

I believe that the tradition was put into place in order to make us reflect on how we arrived at this moment. It’s not necessary to physically go to the cemetery if we are unable. It is necessary to remember and honor the fact that we didn’t get here on our own. Key people no longer on this earth showed us how to live in this world either through example or by trial and error, thereby pushing us forward in our personal journeys. So many people formed us into the individuals we are today. Elul reminds us to remember them.

Yes, I’d like to get back to Louisville to visit, to clean, to remember, to shed a tear. But, until I can I will use Elul to remember and honor my family members who have passed. Will you do the same this month?

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